To all who may be concerned and/or may find this note,
I am sorry. This pain… the pain of living was too much to bear. The pain of loving her, of chasing after her day in and day out – knowing she would never love me – was just too painful and it killed me daily. The pain of living my life, always doing something but never in motion. Just… there. Just existing, in pain and screaming but no one ever heard me. I don’t think anyone tried but, then again, maybe that’s just my fault. Maybe I didn’t reach far enough and seek people to see my pain through these windows. Maybe me being stuck in this dark room, surrounded by blades and weapons of death, surrounded by everything that’s prepared to maim and kill me, is my own doing. And if so, then I suppose I can’t really blame anybody – God, my mother, my father, siblings, ex-wife, you – for anything. I suppose, I’ve gotta look in the mirror and just accept that I’m a fucking tool. That I mean nothing and my life was never worth jack. I don’t know… In the end, I don’t think it really matters. No matter what I did or who I went to, I don’t think anything would’ve changed and trying to pin the cause of this pain on anyone else is just… unfair. I love my family; they’re so dear to my heart. But I can’t anymore. To my family, to my friends, to my lovers, to my children, I’m so very sorry. I love you, and this has nothing to do with you. It’s just… I can’t anymore. I simply and plainly can’t. I need out of this test – this cruel, cruel test. If God should send me to Hell for it, so be it. What Hell can be worse than the Hell I’m in now?
Please forgive me. Yours truly,